Grilled cheese ....

So today is the 2ND day of New Lifestyle 2012. And let me just say the longing for a piece of Linden's grilled cheese as I was standing at the stove flipping it in the pan was disgusting. All I wanted to do was have a bite. But it would not have stopped there then it would have turned in to my own and then a couple of chips to go with it and the next thing you know I would have been pointing that mini van to Dairy Queen after getting the girls from school cause " why not" I already ruined my eating today might as well get it all in and start again tomorrow.
Food has somehow become my biggest down fall in the last couple of years. I like food, more precisely I like junk food. McD's fries, Pizza, Wings, Chips, Chocolate, Cheesecake, Pasta, and Gummy Bears. I never really thought to much of it before but I noticed that yes I bought fruit, veggies and yogurt and yes it all got eaten but I wasn't eating it. The kids where eating it not that that isn't great but I would find myself in the kitchen getting dinner and skipping right over the veggie and getting macaroni and cheese and chicken. Good example, huh. Thats when it occurred to me, every time I go for a bike ride or a walk I reward myself with junk.
Just worked out for an hour, stop at Starbucks on the way home for a Frappacino. But that isn't the worst part it's for everything go grocery shopping get fries (damn wal-mart and their McD's). Bad day Chocolate Bar it is. Ate breakfast I can have some chips. Like what the crap am I thinking. I realize I have a food problem.
Not just a little problem but a big one. Food is my addiction. It's not like drugs, alcohol, or nicotine its worse. It is everywhere and I can eat almost everywhere I go. This is not good. So today as I put Linden's grilled cheese on his plate I reminded myself that if I don't stop food is going to kill me. Sure it might be called heart disease or cancer but the truth is it will be me and my food addiction. I know that even people who do everything right can end up with these diseases. I don't want to make light of that fact but the truth is for me with the family history I carry I can do everything right and still have to battle one or the other or both. So why am I helping to kill myself with food? I have no good answer.
But I do know I am now aware of my problem, and now that I know I can do something about it. So today instead of a grilled cheese I am choosing my life. Who would have thought making Linden lunch would teach me so much about me.

New Year!!

So here we are embarking on 2012. What can I say about 2011...... it went by fast. The kids are forever getting bigger and they amaze me everyday. Next year is starting as an adventure Eric starts a new job right after New Years and we are so excited. I can't wait for him to be able to go to work and come home happy. It really is the happiness you find in your everyday life that makes all the difference in your well being. The house looks awesome we did alot of work around here this year. We painted the outside, kitchen, hallway and are looking at paint for the master bedroom. Eric got the yard all pretty with free mulch and some plants I picked up from the Depot and it looks really nice when you pull into the driveway. Our neighbors have even commented on how nice it looks. My mom is still with us and it has been a rough year of watching her ups and downs with her chemo's and all the stuff that goes along with it. It really is true when they say cancer affects the whole family. Like I always say it isn't always easy but it is always worth it. I have learned alot about my mom by watching her I only hope that if I am ever in the same situation I have the fight in me to stare cancer in the face and tell it to f'off. My dad has recovered from his heart attack last year and is doing really well he got a gold wing and is planning his bike trip. I think Cindy is really enjoying the new bike too they even took it to dinner the other night. So everyone is doing good. And for 2012 I am starting a lifestyle change. So lets see how this blog looks when we start 2013.

The question.....

I had someone ask me not to long ago "How do you balance your life?" I never thought I would be the one someone else would ask this of. To be honest I just do the best I can. I am a flawed person there have been points in my life that people could point to and say "What were you thinking" there are points I think back on and think that same thing. I don't think you can ever balance your life to the point everyone is happy. All you can do is your best. My best consists of being the best mother and wife I can be, it's knowing that I work to live not live to work, and being ever mindful that the Lord is in control. I don't think what this person sees in me is balance I think what they see is me struggling to let the Lord be the navigator of my life. I know this probably sounds crazy and I am not trying to push my personal belief on anyone but the truth is I try to be the best person I can, and everyday I fall short. I believe in God I am raising my children to believe in God. I know plenty of people who see this as a crutch as a hindrance on the amount of fun I can have and when they hear it decide that I am a hypocrite. I am OK with that. The truth is think what ever you want but let me tell you I know where I've come from and there is no reason other than God's grace that I have anything good in my life.

So in short I don't balance my life in fact I do the opposite I have handed my life over to someone else who can. And let me be the first to tell you the path he has put me on is nothing short of a miracle.

Update

So lets see..... I have still not been released to go back to work, but they did release me to drive so there is one plus. They finally took out the second drain in my belly 2 weeks ago. I am still in pain but the painkillers help and I am taking them less and less. My kids are so use to me not being able to do certain things that they don't even ask anymore, sad really, but at least I don't feel guilty....right?

Anywho on to more entertaining things...... We have a pair of red shouldered hawks who have made their home in the big trees in our front yard. They are beautiful and after reading up on them it appears that they mate for life so it will be nice watching them grow and build their family. Patience received her 3rd qt. report card and was thrilled, once again, to show off all her A's. I am not looking forward to the first time she doesn't get all A's not to say she ever will but if she does it's gonna be ugly. Lilia is turning into a little girly girl she has been wearing dresses and skirts and running around the house in a gold headband with a flower on one side for weeks she even insists on wearing it to bed. Linden is just getting bigger and bigger and he is just talking and talking. His favorite thing to do lately is pretend he is daddy and he runs around the house with a hammer fixing everything. My hubby is working his butt off in the yard trying to get it ready so we can paint the house. He also brought home a corn snake not to long ago and nursed him back to health he is affectionately known as MATTLOCK, the snake not my hubby. LOL! MATTLOCK recently got out of his cage and we had finally come to terms with his disappearance when my kids came running into the house from our sun room screaming turns out he got out of his cage and slithered his way into the bin of toys and while Lilia was digging around in there she found him. So I scooped him up ad placed him back in his cage. Which now has a new lid and like 30 clips holding it on. MATTLOCK is great he has no fangs is non poisonous and loves to be picked up. I can't believe how much he has grown on me.

As for me I am doing all right. It has been crazy for me since my surgery.... it is amazing how quickly things can change in your life. How when you think of all the things that could happen and go wrong all it makes you want to do is pull those closest to you closer and not let go. To think that if my gallbladder had ruptured or if the surgen hadn't had his partner in the other room when my surgery went wrong that I might not be here.... is crazy. It was my gallbladder not my heart or a stroke it was a simple surgery that people have everyday and go home. And I have a 10 inch scar to look at everyday that reminds me about the gift I have. It makes me feel like a drama queen when people don't really know anymore than I had my gallbladder removed and it was an open surgery due to complications. I know I should just let it go and move on but right now that is what is fresh in my mind I don't ever want to leave my kids without a mother or my husband without his wife or my family without their daughter, or sister. To think I was a walking time bomb is scary to me. To think that I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I forgot about me is just silly who is going to take care of them if I'm not here? So my scar is my reminder to enjoy the park with my kids, to laugh with my husband, to appreciate my parents, and to live everyday knowing that I am putting my best foot forward and really living not just going thru the motions.

Up to Speed....

So they released me from the hospital last Friday and I have been home for 6 days. I tell you there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed. I had a check up on Tuesday and they removed my lovely staples. Now let me just tell you I don't know why but I just thought once the staples came out my pain would magically stop...... I know silly right. But your talking to someone who has never been in the hospital for anything but having a baby. Anywho I am slowly begining to feel like my self. My kids however don't really understand why I can't get down on the floor and play or why I fall asleep sitting on the couch in the middle of the afternoon. My little man is so despreate for me to play cars with him that he brought me his hot wheel blimp and told me I could fly it in his room while he played on the car rug. I miss car time and Thomas the Train building time with him so much it makes me want to cry. And my Lily pie is hobbling thru the house telling everyone that her stomach hurts and she doesn't move as fast as she use too. She really just is the sweetst chick in the world. My Patience is just an angel she is always asking if I need anything or if she can help with something.

My hubby is such a trooper since I can't bend or pick up anything over 5 pounds that kinda leaves him doing it all including driving me every where since I am not allowed to drive. But he does it all without complaint. He was pretty freaked out when the surgen came into the waiting room and told him there were complacations I think it really showed us that anything can happen at any time and since I have been home we have been amazingly in synch. I love him in a way I never thought possible. He knows me better than I know myself. I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is my lobster.

So that how things are going here.....

Seven Days....

So let me just say the last seven days has been the most eye opening for me in a long time. I came in for what was suppose to be a simple gallbladder removal 4 small incesions and on your way you go. Well not for me they got to filet me open like a fish.....I still have not even looked at the incesions. I woke up to everything did not go as expected. So here it is seven days later and I miss my life, my hubby, my crazy kids and yes even my work. But let me step back and tell ya about me......My name is Amanda I have three kids two girls and boy I have been married to my best friend for four years this Aug we have been together for eight. I am going to start with my hubby...he is amazing he truly loves me in a way I did not know was possible. My husband has not always been what people would classify as a nice guy...my husband has his fair share of demons and skeltons (who dosen't) and when people from our past hear that we are still together with two more kids they probably think it is insanity I am sure they think that we are a hot mess. With constant arguing and infedility but its not. We have a good marriage not a perfect marriage but a good marriage we talk we fight we hold each other close when things are good and bad. He is my best friend and the only man who has ever made it past all my BS.

My children rock!!! My oldest is eight she is the most sensetive kid I have ever met she is a straight A student since kindergarden. My fear for her is that she is going to have a hard time with men in her life. See my husband is not her biological father but he has been there since she was 15 months old. I do not call him, if she asks to call we call but if not I don't bring it up. I know this sounds horrible but I can't I grew up in a divorced home and I hated it...... not that I had a horrible life but having parents push the other one was horrible to live and to watch. I don't want that for my girl she has a daddy in my hubby he loves her in a way that people don't even know she not his unless it comes up. My second is my free spirit she has this amazing way of making everything magical and funny. She is a curly mess and radiates love from her toes to her head. She reminds me everyday that life is full of beautiful things. My third is my little man he is just so stubborn and pig headed. But he has a heart of gold he loves everyone he wants to hug everyone and he just wants to get dirty and play trucks... he likes to pretend he is a robot. I never thought I would have a boy. But I love him to pieces and I try to remember that he is a boy and as much as I want to hold him and hug him he needs to not be tied to my side for his sake and the sake of any girl that he chooses to make a life with.

So there it is a small piece on the last seven days of being in the hospital and the rest has turned into a love letter to my family. I am so grateful for them they are the reasons I was put on the planet. I feel like my life didn't start till the day my first baby was born it gave me purpose and a reason to be the best person I can. I have made many mistakes and I will make many more if you are reading this just stick it out it will get better once the vicadoin isn't a regular staple in my diet.